Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
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Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
repaired
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”
siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”
siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”
siri google “syria where that is”
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?