Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Should we watch WandaVision?

Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it

3: *draws a rune on the wall*

Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.

Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?

Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”

Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”

Manager:“I need to see you in my office.

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

Real House Wines.

Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.

The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.

Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.

*First bite of pancakes

“This is the greatest food ever!”

*Last bite of pancakes

“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

I’d like to schedule a disappointment.

Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago

{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?

I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree

[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself

me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?

techician: sure..I’ll take a look

[later, ]

technician: it’s not too bad..

me: thank god..what is it?

technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders

me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?