Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
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coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
cry laughing at this shit
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.