Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
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I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
[Lois & Superman鈥檚 first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Maybe she鈥檚 born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that鈥檚 the name of the song now.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
馃槀
i鈥檝e purchased a pair of men鈥檚 shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
(team meeting)
boss: i鈥檝e always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to鈥xcuse me but what鈥檚 with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah鈥ince we dropped the mask mandate, it鈥檚 difficult to remember that my face isn鈥檛 covered.
boss:
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald鈥檚 uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
My kid can鈥檛 remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word