Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
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*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Saturday
I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?