Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed

Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?

I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.

doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
 
me: omg why god whyy
 
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
 
me: wait, i’m not dying?

doc: whoa there, hold your horses

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.

“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”

as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!

They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.

At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.

“That sucked.”

-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie

Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.

When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”

AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣

☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇

“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.

“Excited to be here!” I tell him.

The host eyes me. “Are you?”

My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.

“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.

“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”

When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out