Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
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Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.