Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.

a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.

(Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?

What if the weather talks about us?

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

me: I’m doing marathon training

friend: that can really help you in the long run

me: I know what it’s for

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.

What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…

[Fortnite with 9]

9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?

Me: Sure, why?

9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.

My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)

Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?

went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …

👽

Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?

Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot

Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.

you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years

What?

When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home