bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
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Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Dear people that say new year new me, I don’t like either one of you
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
This 4th of July, please remember…
