bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
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If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony