bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
You Might Also Like
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
shampoo implies shampee
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.