bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
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thank god
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Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.