I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
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I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
i wish i could marry a nap
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.