Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”

My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.

nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead

me: let’s find out

nurse: but he-

me: SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what are u-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.

me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

Me: [drinks SlimFast]

Me: [takes off shirt]

Me: [drinks SlimFaster]

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”

My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.

this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.

said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it

If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around”.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.

I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.