bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
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We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home