bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
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Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe