Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
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Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
This might be the funniest tweet ever
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good