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i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?