Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
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The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
馃槶
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can鈥檛 think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
In the theater
Me: Haven鈥檛 you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
God: you鈥檙e a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you鈥檙e a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you鈥檙e a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren鈥檛 the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you鈥檙e a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
My馃憦spacebar馃憦is馃憦broken馃憦so馃憦I’m馃憦using馃憦the馃憦clapping馃憦emoji馃憦instead馃憦I’m馃憦not馃憦trying馃憦to馃憦make馃憦a馃憦point
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband鈥檚 shoes, so now I鈥檓 waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
bros in the example zone 馃槶
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*