Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
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*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
I like long walks away from everyone
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.