Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
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SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
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My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.