Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
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And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Bike is short for Bichael.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.