Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife- Don’t forget the trash.

Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.

Wife- What did you ju…

Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.

Dear Olive Garden,

They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.

So I got her a bag of peas.

New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.

Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.

me: I made a model of the himalayas

friend: did you build them to scale?

me: no, just to look at

friend: what

They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

ME: wow your correct

FRIEND: *you’re

ME: -ions are presumptuous

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”

– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

7: Are monsters real Mommy?

Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.

[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain

[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?

My kid: I’m not sure

Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?

My kid: I need more time to think

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

Well, that should do it

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?