Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen

🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.

My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”

Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?

Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?

Parents: go to your room.

I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.

drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee

21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval

just leave the danger noodle alone

sincerely,

a medical toxicologist

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them

Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ

A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*

Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be

Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.

I’m sorry…what?

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude