Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”

CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!

ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.

EXCALIBUR: Ok

As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.

Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow

“What?”
– Jude

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants

I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.

me: how much for the wireless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar

Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here

Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏

If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying

When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit

Me: WAIT

Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first

If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.

Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!

Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes

teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot

old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’

guess i’m a roast carrot now