Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”

Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…

It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.

Amen.

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?

Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”

[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!

If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

running feels great unless you compare it to not running

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.

INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage

ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning

give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

poor people: innuendo

rich people: hoteluendo

The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.

Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

🤨

I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

*me at Target*

“Hey baby, you want some of this?”

*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*

Her: *calls security*

~Flirting is so hard

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me

[restaurant]

me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please

server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir

me: challenge accepted

Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.