Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
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me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.