Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter

Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?

Me: Drunk!

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

Alarm clock set for 6:00 am

Bladder set for 5:54 am

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors

soldier: is that a picture of your love?

me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah

I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no

Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story

*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.

Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3

Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?

Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.

not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

Green is just blue that someone peed in

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*

My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.

Body by burrito