Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning

The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.

I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!

After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

We need it on priority

Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet

Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?

His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers

The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day

Not to date myself, but nobody else will.

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

I’d date me.

But mainly because I put out.

I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.

Stop making fast and furious movies.

Me: “Is this seat taken?”

Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”

Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego

…and send

Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.

Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.

If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.