Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

no one:

not a soul:

my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us

Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.

Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.

Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about

Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.

[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.

Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity

FRIEND: who?

ME: *narrows eyes*

Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

It’s complicated.

-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.

I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.

People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.

I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.

My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain

ㅤ

(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good

Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.