Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
You Might Also Like
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
the dark web is just a goth google.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?