Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
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My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life