Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
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[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Why is this me 😫
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks