Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
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Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Worst perfume name ever.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Breaking news:
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving