Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
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Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.