Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.

For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.

When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.

This is the final season of Young Sheldon.

I hope they don’t kill him off.

*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*

Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]

Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.

Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

me: I made a model of the himalayas

friend: did you build them to scale?

me: no, just to look at

friend: what

*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.

*whispers* cheerios

Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.

March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.

July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.

Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?

His Highness

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.

“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.

“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

Doctor: I have bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling

Me: whew, I thought I was dying-

Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying