Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?

me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?

daughter:

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.

Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’

You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.

choose your fighter

When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.

why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean

Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!

Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow

Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.

Coworker: You said all that out loud.

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad

Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?

Body: time to sleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.

waiter: what’ll it be?

me: I’ll have chameleon

waiter: that’s not on the menu

me: how can you be sure?

I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.

8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion

Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.