Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
You Might Also Like
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.