Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
You Might Also Like
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.