bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
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Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
realest tweet ever.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Fries, not lies.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Fun Things
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
