bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
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A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower