Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
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My beach vacation Google searches
I self medicate, therefore you live.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Yup
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Ugh but profoundly
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED