Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body

I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*

Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means

Dementor: what the hell

[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”

We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry

The Punning Dead.

[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary

(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then

If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.

meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

“I need a woman like you in my life”

Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol

Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?

Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.

you have three unread messages

Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.

Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.

John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!

Anybody: I’d be happy to—

John Lennon: Not just anybody!

Anybody: Okay then.

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out