Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
You Might Also Like
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Never forget.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
What?
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
🤣🤣🤣🤣
“How stressed are you?”
Me:
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.