Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
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Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
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I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
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*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends