Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
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If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Truth
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.