Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!

angel: when was he resurrected

god: Sunday?

angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing

god: it was like early-mid April

angel: ok-

god: could’ve been March tho

angel:

god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit

angel: bruh

1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.

God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods

Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.

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The Chosen Phew

Remember folks 😂

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”

Polar bear says… “I was born with them”

Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.

I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.

I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”

Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.

95% of dentists recommend teeth.

Welcome

I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too

Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.

Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.

Me: Can…can I join, too?

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

linkedin the good parts

How do I like eggs?

Ummm…in a cake!

WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit

BOSS: WHAT??

ME: I said, nice squid

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job

hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?