Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
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Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys