Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You take my breath away.

Pollen: lol

What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?

Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.

*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

Alexa: *deep breath*

Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.

My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.

Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons

TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?

Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.

Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*

3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!

Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?

3:…

Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?

3:…

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?