Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
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My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
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The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.