Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
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[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.