bought wrong eggs
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If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
So the ex texted me
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’