Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Oh my god, it is!

Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.

Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.

This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font

My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*

Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!

Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!

The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.

Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.

judge: please, rephrase the question

yoda lawyer:

M: there are so many castles for sale in France!

H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there

M: that’s the best selling point there is!

I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.

Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.

Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”

Me: “That’s kind of the point.”

blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?

blood cell 2: of course baby

blood cell 3: coagulations guys!

interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus

me: the big windshield wipers

My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?

Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES

Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

“No”

Cop: *points* Your buck naked

[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”

Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

*gets up off bed*

*puts pants back on*

Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?