Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.

*sales call

Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..

Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.

I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”

{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”

My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs

Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!

Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”

her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what

Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.

“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”

Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.

Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.

It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.

*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now

How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce

just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving, I will not break this cycle

ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats

MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty