Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.

Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music

You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?

Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778

It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.

[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.

Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.

Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”

It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*

Me: Would you like a sample?

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Handing out free samples.

Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!

Me: This is a weird Costco.

Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.

My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.

Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.

neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you

neil armweak: can you carry this?

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”