Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My first son he is wonderful

EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: is he in line

Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.

Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.

Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*

son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March

[goes back in time]

Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”

Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.

Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*

U-HAUL, may I help you?

“You have any moving boxes?”

No all our boxes stay still

“Well you better go- wait what?”

Stop calling here, Dad

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.

What is a Sherpa?

“Let me summit up for you.”

Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.

Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

[emerging from a ten year coma]

my dad: look who finally got up

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*

Put it all on Grey

Him: You have such a beautiful soul.

Me: It’s photoshopped.