bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
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My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.