Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah

I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.

It’s been a good 12 months for dogs

wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?

If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.

Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?

Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.

Me: Wow! New record.

I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”

I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.

hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities

🤬فقط في مصر 🤬

I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.

[date]

Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?

Him: No interest, before my time.

Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*

Him: What’re you doing?

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio

10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side

[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”

Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?

Everything. Every single thing in the world.

Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.

Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.

*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award

Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…