Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.

There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.

[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Me: *lies down to sleep*

Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.

I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.

The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.

monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report

Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?

Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom

What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?

THIS GUY!

* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

You can’t make this shit up 😩

(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)

My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.

Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]

Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one

Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.

The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.

Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.

The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.