Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9: Can I rent an otter?

Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now

ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words

WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it

WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?

MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’

“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”

Hi serious this is dad

“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”

HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!

After ten years of marriage I’ve realized that I also need a wife to take care of me.

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.

[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]

friend: holly shit. everything is gone

me: i’m gonna try out for the nba

friend: what

me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.

A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks

[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer

dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy

me: ok got it

[later]

her: hi i’m carol

me: u look like shit

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

The Wolf of Wall Street.

due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”

I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”

Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

What is a Sherpa?

“Let me summit up for you.”

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much

I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore