Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wakes up*

*checks the obituaries*

*sees I’m not listed*

“Well that’s a relief”

Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…

excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right

me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-

excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros

me: i need tha-

excel: zeros are icky

idk what he going thru but i feel him

Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely

Him: you know, a baby deliverer…

Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?

Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.

If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.

In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.

Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

You know what they say about a guy with big hands?

He can carry more cheeseburgers.

Confused owl: What?!

Dinner Party

Hostess: How much of this would you like?

Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.

Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄

“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes

Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?

Amazon: It’s 15% off.

Me: Well, in that case…

Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?

You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY

If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.