Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”

“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”

Cause of death: Zumba

Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.

My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.

My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.

Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?

Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.

When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.

Who said parenting can’t be fun?

If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..

Keep. Him. 😂

Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving

*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.

Cat 911: what’s your emergency

Cat: my human is bleeding to death!

911: stay calm. what happened

Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her

911:

Cat:

911: hahahaha

Cat: hahahaHA

Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA

Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?

Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing

Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.