BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
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No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies