Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

Text: can I talk to you about something?

Me: throws phone in ocean

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

[At the Dr]

Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.

Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.⁣

[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t

Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it

How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.

(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?

having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you

Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”

Nobody:

Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this

{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?

Eve: Uh yeah, totally

Me: I need to lose some weight.

Fries: Let’s do it together.

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]

THERAPIST: Well?

ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie