Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.

[taking a knee]

Surgeon: Stop that woman!

How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea

Me: *rocks boat*

Her: Hey!

Me: *rocks faster*

Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.

Wasps: bees, but not helping

her: I love guys who know what they want

me: I want $100,000

her: but stay humble

me: I’ll never have $100,000

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting

I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!

Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—

Rookie: STOP TALKING

coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole

detective: and that’s what killed him?

coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.

It’s your fault.

my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas

whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date

Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.

waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine

My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”

“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth

Cook: Those are ice cubes

Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?

Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.

Me: Isn’t it fun?

*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers

“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”