Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.

“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost

My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation

Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.

Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware

Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?

Me: I can and do.

2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I don’t know when to quit.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Me: I quit.

🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!

“Sir, place ur order or hang up”

Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.

I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…

Her: “Move.”

I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.

I’m the keen oat speaker.

*coughs*

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”

This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?

[me as a drug dealer]

Me: wanna buy some acid?

Guys: yeah, whaddya got?

Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic

Guys: (stab me repeatedly)

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.