bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
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[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.