bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
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I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*