bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
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*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
*orders delivery*
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.