BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
You Might Also Like
Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!