BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
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Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.