BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
You Might Also Like
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬