BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
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me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Was it something I said?
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Midwest trash talk
bad
worse
worst
worchester
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Every house has this drawer
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.