Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
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Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺