Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”

I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock

Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.

Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.

Me: I’d like to return this

Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room

Me: ya it sucks

I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.

i guess his teacher was really pissed

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.

slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.

When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…

Now what do I do?

[Inventing limes]

God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol

ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat

MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done

Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?

My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair