Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?

Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.

Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.

5: I want to learn drums.

Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.

*confused, 5 walks away

I am the master.

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

me: sorry for speeding officer

cop: you’re parked

me:

cop: in the intersection

me: I can smell your thoughts

cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles

[introductions at a party]

Me: this is my first wife

Her: and current wife

Me: and these are her kids

Her: they’re also his

Me: we keep it friendly

Her: on account of we’re still married

Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own

Her: because they are

Moms. The original autocorrect.

Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s

[takes tylenol and goes about the day]

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s

[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”

twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away

Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine

Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything

I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.

ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask

CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine

What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT

One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”

I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.